Hate to live, live to hate

im resolved

Mon, 17 Jan 2005 16:20:05 GMT

Ok this is more for me than for anyone else, i just need a place to write this all down before i loose my motivation

I spend to much of my life infront of this machine for various reasons, its everything I enjoy and i don't regret any of my time spent here...but its fucking me up.
Its as if im tied here by an invisible string, with all my online commitments and routines.
I waste atleast 5hrs of my time mooching around here sitting on my ass and not doing much at all, i don't take good care of myself while im immersed in my computer business. ALl this time watching straining and generally overusing my eyes. I can't even read white writing on black at 3metres anymore without my glasses!! ...that upsets me.
Im going to break out of this rut im slipping further into and im going to start from now.

So things i need to do to make my immediate life better.

1. I am only going to spend a maximum amount of 3hrs on the computer tues-fri, 4hrs max on sat-mon

2. Im going to go to the optomitrist and get close vision glasses as my bifocals don't suit the tasks i perform.

3. in my spare time i will not fall back on art, TV or reading for entertainment.

4. I will walk the dog EVERY GODDAMN FUCKING DAY even if im sick, injured or its hailing i will frickin walk the dog.

5. Im cutting Dairy, tomatoe and sweet related products out of my diet (they sem to be making my stomach troubles worse) for an indeterminable time and i will eat more vegies and TRY to like some other kinds of fruit.

6. I will stop relying on sleeping pills to get to sleep, will go to sleep earlier and wake up earlier.

7. ....try to write something positive in my LJ for once.

THis is Holly, its 3:17am and i feel fucking sick. signing out.

must. stay. awake.

Mon, 27 Dec 2004 01:02:27 GMT

I decided to conduct an experiment for the sheer bordom of doing something like conducting an experiment and so on and so forth o__o....brains...erm yes so i have recorded the behaviour of subject #479 (alias: the Holly) brief interaction with subject #34673457623453423 (alias: elyse) did occour...hi..

...it begins...
* Decided to experiment on the Holly to see what would happen if she slept all day then stayed up all night and the next day after, the results were mixed and undoubtably confusing.

* 4pm sunday after countless badgerings from father Holly got up out of bed and promtly went back to sleep on deckchair in the sun, squashed with dog sitting on her neck and cat pinning her legs.

* She was observed to have moved when cat attacked dog and riot occoured in the deckchair thus upending it. Cat and dog were vocally abused liberally and the subject went back inside to have 'breakfast' at 5pm

* Contact was made with elyse around that time, she was discovered to have gotten an x-box for christmas and posessed a trial version of Halo...girlish hysterics and planning followed.

*6pm Holly arrives at Elyse's house, large family/friend get together took place and the subject was forced to socialise painfully for a few hours. Was ordered to get champagne for the adults, made gripping speach about the dangers and effects of alchohol.....fetched champagne.

*9pm alien childs and siblings pryed from x-box and it was transported into the 3rd storey level of the house. Halo ensued and the Holly took command of teaching elyse how to play 'properly' (eg. stuck grenade to the back of her head and ran away). Was left to play one player till she got bored and other game trials were tested and mostly rejected.

*12am subject discovers it is a full moon tonight and is observed to ALMOST transform into a werewolf, is dragged from the balcony and forced to stop moon gazing. Watched princess mononoke for the second time (whilst drawing inspiredly) elyse becomes obsessed with 'clicky tree spirits'.

*2am Vast amounts of coke and soup consumed and co-op halo attempted again. 1hr later both subjects get bored and make a nest for comfort. Extreme hillarity then pity was shown when elyse fell down the stairs. CDs listened to and drawing and reading took place

*4am halo attempted AGAIN but with vast encouragement, directions and snarling by the Holly. At about 5am sun rose upon the subject attempting to play halo with both controllers...is surprisingly good at that, completes halo demo.

*6am nest and snuggly materials moved outside in the 'crisp' (crispin) morning air. Holly abruptly went bezerk and ensighted a massive hyperactivity fit from elyse. Her actions were much similar to that which is shown before a storm arrives.

*6:25am storm hits.

*8am Holly shows signs of feeling extremly sick with stomach pains and dizzyness.

*9am Subject moves downstairs and trys to keep warm by draping large plushie on her and snuggling against a seat while elyse hoggs blankets. Uses chess playing logic to figure out how to not be sick and give directions to elyse who is paniking becuase she took out her nose ring and couldn't get it back in... calls mother to save her.

*11:30pm SUbject returns home and is violently ill. 5 minutes later is adhered to computer like nothing has been different

*cough* these are my research recordings written up fro my own amusement and that of others OR those nosey people who want to know what REALLY happens when girls have sleepovers.

falling to bits

Tue, 07 Sep 2004 06:26:28 GMT

who can you trust these days eh? -__-

Well i certainly can't trust my body to perform at the most critical moments.
So i'll take you through the past 2 days events.

right now im feeling very weak so i don't know how much im going to be able to get down and how long im going to last.

here goes:

I woke up this Monday morning feeling tired and irritable as per usuall, i didn't feel like eating but mum forced down some tomatoe on toast.
We were going to have trials today (for school certificate, to 'prepare' us) and i wasn't much worried because i knew everything that was going on in them, i was confident. I got to school still feeling a lil hazy and sleep depraved and met with the friends in the usuall place, and i remembered SHIT i forgot to finish off the god-damn science assignment. Oh well i thought i'd hand it in the next day.
All the yr 10's assembled outside the auditiorum to wait to be admitted inside, i will not hide i was just outside the door as me and my friends being the 'good' students as we are had read the note and came at the appropriate time. The rest of the idiots driveled in much more slowly.
Once inside the auditorium i sat down at my table no. 082 and what my fricking luck i got a wobbly table x__x, i remember listening to the teachers babble about the tests and putting my glasses on. Scrawled across the old wood of my wobbly desks were some messages imparted by students gone before me, i remember they gave me cheer and a better outlook on the tests:
"Don't worry about the HSE it only determines the rest of your life"
"the stench of failure lingers"
"good luck"
"we're all going to fail!!!!!!!!"
I must admit they made me smile and think.
I got a bit nervous when one of the science teachers mentioned that if we hadn't handed in our science assignment today we were going to get zero...i mean god they were being a bit inflexible, my bread only just started moulding 3 days ago AND they expect us to hand it in on a day we should be studing and preparing for these nasty tests. HARSH oh well im still going to hand it in late, even if i get zero i still won't get an N award -_-
I can remember i was thirsty and the indegestion of eating too early in the morning was scrambling my stomach. The english test started and i found it quite easy to read and answer, i was almost at the end of the multiple choice when it began....
A queezy feeling in my stomach and my neck acheing from bending down over my paper for so long. I remember sneakily grabbing a sip fro my waterbottle to slack the parched feeling in the back of my throat. I did not feel okay.
Onto the short answer questions it got worse, the letters on the page going in and out of focus, i tried removing my glasses to see if it would help but it didn't.
Breathing slowly i recall rubbing the fuzz from my vision and steadily forming sentances to the irrelevant english questions. I could see my hand shaking and i didn't know why, a vile nausious feeling took hold of my stomach and my head spinned. Dark pain filtered its way through my brain, infultrating my vision blacking it out for a couple of seconds then releasing it back to normal like a TV turning on slowly. This has happened before its not new to me but it dosn't often happen at school. I looked up at the teachers doing their rounds try to catch their gaze so they might see the agony i was in....but they didn't notice. Taking deep breaths and forcing myself to concentrate on the paper i attempted to answer the questions before me but i jsut couldn't think. every time i picked up my pacer i thought i was going to be violently sick and every time i lifted my gaze to the frount i thought i was goign to pass out.
I sat there in my quiet world of agony searchign for the courage to put up my hand and ask for help. I scrawled a message on my table so others might see it later
"It hurts" i wrote.
Swallowing my fear i lifted my hand hesitantly to attract my science teachers attention, my vision swam as he made his way over to my desk.
"Whats wrong Holly?"
"...I feel sick.."
I didn't know what else to say, i know he thought i was asking him for help on a question and wasn't expecting this. He told me to go to the toilets, to compose myself or something, i could feel the gazes of students on my back slight acknowlagement before their minds returned to the task at hand. I stumbled into the toilets and washed my face, i was breathing to fast and i knew it, i felt the need to let it all out and just be sick but i couldn't. I stumbled out only to be told to sit down on the ground near the door...constantly questioning me, the migrane was so powerful i was almost in tears with the stress of talking and forming responses. I told them that this happened sometime but never so bad, my voice didn't sound like my own choked off by tears of frustration pain and worthlesness.
I didn't want to be so close to the other students inside doign their tests, i didn't want to show my weakness to them so openly. I wanted to get up get back in there back to my test, these were important i reasoned, the teachers has told me not to stand up lest i pass out. I felt helpless and awful these tests were so god damn important if i don't get another chance to sit them im screwed, SCREWED YOU HEAR! FUCKED MY LIFE UP FUCKED IT UP BECAUSE I CANT SIT A TEST!

Shit.

They go me home and I took the pills, i had to suffer a teacher carrying my bag for me. What a dipshit weakling i am, i wish i had just passed out right then and there to be spared the fucking humiliation.

Sedatives the dreamless sleep. The migrane that started at school continued every time the painkillers wore off it was back in force kicking my ass ith the pain.

can't stay up for too long, too weak, my hands are shaking, im to young for this.
Too young, what have i done to deserve this pain? Nothing i could have done would be so bad to warrant this.

...best if you keep your pity to yourself im too far beyond that to care.

my friends are my friends and will remain so even though i don't know how or why you put up with me I repect and care for you all.

Thankyou for reading hope this helps you understand.
don't hate me
please?

fegastrofneggh?

Tue, 10 Aug 2004 02:26:19 GMT

Well howdy doody folks!
give me your Turkey dinners if you please.

Well im sorry for slightly abandoning my LJ, lunar_Prodigy said i should update and when he says jump i say how high?

Im not the most healthy person at the moment and i won't gross you out with the details >_o but its keeping me off school and thats bad. I worry about the time i have off school im an evil evil child for not going.

I really really really really want an X-box but i don't see that happening anytime soon, nor me somehow fanagaling a holiday to Van Couver island canada. But hell I CAN DREAM ^__^ that is if i get any sleep at all @__@

i spent the money i was saving on plush toy making products and prisma colour pencils (YEY)art always comes before gaming yah know ^__~ I saw dances with wolves for the first time ever its really good except for the sappy love story part of it yeeeuuugh! XP

Can you belive it the last movie i whent and saw was LOTR: ROTK @__@ gee i really hate going to see movies by myself and my mother won't go anymore because she has no patience for the childs that kick seats (evil snot nosed...) and dad.. well dad..hmmh hes very uhh.. how can i put it...uncool and annoying he acts more like a brother than a father. My friends usually see the movies before me or are too tied up to go x__x so that leaves me with no movie buddies whatsoever.
i WANTED to see harry potter 3 and i WANTED to see shrek2 but noOooO i have to wai till they come out on DVD... shucks

Yr 11 senior subject choices are in and i chose:
Advanced english (cuz im no.20 out of 200 students *smugly grins then slapps self*)
general (okay im a dumbass at maths)
biology (yey go you protozoas!)
art (oh god you didn't see that coming did you?)
IPT ( computers its always good to know about them these days)
Ancient history (cuz its just cool yeh know)

and thats enough of me speaking, cyas all next time ^__~ don't wait up

Wed, 05 May 2004 07:06:21 GMT

eheheh LJ quizes are random and fun!

Generate your Anime Style by Jena-su
Name:
Hair:	Naturally multi-coloured.
Clothes:	Dark and sexy. With randomly placed belts. Lots and lots of belts...
Powers:	Shape Shifting
Special Features:	Fox ears and tail
Sidekick:	None, you have no need for a sidekick.
Attitude:	Upbeat and cheerful.
Weapon:	Bow and arrows

Created with the ORIGINAL MemeGen!

woot for me and mah belts!

Wed, 05 May 2004 03:28:38 GMT

auugh everything is going wrong!
my mice are terminally sick
i am sick and slightly depressed, i feel meaningless and insignificant
i need to clean my rats out
TOO MUCH WORK TO DO!

newness

Wed, 05 May 2004 03:09:36 GMT

hiayhs, i finally got a live journal!

WTF XD?